US Diplomacy and the Pakistan Cable That Brought Down Imran Khan

Mean Girls

When the Intercept released an article on the US State Dept pressure on Pakistan to remove Imran Khan as Prime Minister (which the military obligingly did) they included the actual text of the cable describing a meeting between the US State Department and the Pakistani ambassador (Asad Majeed Khan) to the US, I immediately thought, they’re using Mean Girl tactics. Yes, from the American film about Girl Power High School bullies. The US was angry that Khan, a democratically elected PM, was taking such an ‘aggressively neutral’ stance on the Russian/Ukraine war. The actual text of the cable describing the meeting gave a glimpse into what most of us know as dry empirical fact: the US needs to get its way on foreign policy or else and has no respect for the sovereignty of other countries, but it was dramatized in such a way as to spark the imagination of a media addled type such as yours truly. I was like, we have looked into the belly of the beast of US hegemony and we see Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams.

But Mean Girls Diplomacy was already a thing. I was not the first one to conflate negotiations between nuclear powers with the US High School film genres. The Israelis tweeted out a Mean Girls Gif to Iran during the Trump Presidency when Iran was enriching uranium and rattling it’s radioactive isotopes. But that was the unholy year 2018 and in the distant past, so I’m going to talk about this thing that just happened here because maybe we all need some good dialogue in our lives.

Here is the transcript of how that meeting went.

Lunch Time and Rich Suburban High School

Pakistan sits down at US table where the ‘popular’ countries usually have lunch. You know, EU countries, UK and Canada, with Poland and the New Europe as the US’s new best friends, and France and Germany looking a little frazzled, they both need new mani-pedis, but they’re dealing with some eating disorders and maybe a divorce or two at home. .

US

Listen, ummm…I think that seat’s taken…

Pakistan

Wait, I don’t see anyone sitting here. (Pakistan sits down)

US

Listen, Pakistan, you might think we’re friends, but why are you still with that LOSER Imran Khan? He is SUCH a creep. Is he like friends with RUSSIA???

Pakistan

No!!! He just went over to Putin’s house because they’re doing a math project together. Khan doesn’t want to take sides in your feud with RUSSIA. And he is really cute. I don’t have to date who you tell me to date.

US

(Arches an eyebrow) Aren’t we sassy today? But, seriously RUSSIA is so gross, look at what they did to Ukraine. Ukraine is like so SWEET. And RUSSIA started it, we all know that and it’s just not OK that Imran is still friends with them….ummm…if you get rid of that guy, we’ll (gesturing to her court of minions, EU countries, UK, etc) like totally forgive you for all the embarrassing stuff you did at last weekend’s party. Like, your outfit was so LAST century, and you didn’t do beer pong with us because that Imran wanted to go watch a CRICKET game on TV….that is so pathetic….I know (gesturing to UK minion) they invented it, but CRICKET is like for DORKS. That bat looks like a giant ping pong paddle.

Pakistan

Listen, I’m my own person and you always say like girl power and democracy and pro-choice and I chose —

US (getting up to leave with her minions in tow)

You do not get it. Come on ladies. Let’s go to In-n-Out for lunch. I can’t be here right now with (pointing at Pakistan)

(turning around while walking away)

And that Balenciaga bag? I know it’s a fake. You probably got it from your friend China!