Panda Gifts Chapter 1, Part 4

From Taipei to Queens to Mt. Vernon

In the recurring nightmare, I see a lace up baby shoe sitting at the foot of a tree. Nothing happens in the dream: the tree and the shoe pulse with greater and greater intensity until I wake up because I felt as if I was about to be swallowed up by the tree and the shoe. The dream confuses Chinese, English words for tree and shoe. Shu shu shu shu shu shu…Shoe, shoe shoe, shoe. Shu means tree in Chinese. The dream was a visual rendering of Dad’s breathing. The pulsation represented the quickening and increasing intensity of his breath as he climaxed. The stillness and menace of the image represented my paralysis and immobility. Years of psychoanalysis helped me unlock the meaning of the nightmare and the interpretation clarified many things about my relationship to my parents. The nights in Queens became long and unbearable when I had to spend them in my parents’ bed.